My Story Of Wrestling With God’s Word - Behind the Scenes (3 of 3)
I have wrestled to trust that God isn’t a liar.
I have wrestled to believe that God is more powerful than the human authorities and systems in my life.
This place of wrestling has been the dirtiest and bloodiest battlefield I have fought on.
I have raw wounds and triggers, and I have scars and testimonies.
All of the choices that individuals with power make have affected me, directly and indirectly. When it comes to calling, one author said something to the effect of, the church community prepares you to achieve the calling of God on your life. What she didn’t say, that I believe can also be understood from that statement is, we can grow and develop through the process of rejection and marginalization by the church and reach a state of brokenness that the Lord intends to use for his glory.
Unfortunately, saying “Yes” to the Lord and his purpose for our lives, includes living through awful situations.
I have wrestled with the lie that humans can choose if I accomplish the call of God on my life.
Disappointment brings so much pain and confusion, but,
how else will we know if the Lord’s Word is true in our lives unless it is tested?
Let me try to explain, briefly:
I have found myself in a pastors office more than once stumbling through my words to stand up for myself and ultimately walking away wondering what I did wrong.
Many Sundays I have left church (when we still met in the building) and would sigh out of brokenness and boredom all at the same time. “Is this really it for me? Is no leader above me on the org chart going to have an ICNU conversation with me? Am I really only good for getting the stuff they don’t like to do, done? Where is the line between serving and being used?”
I remember the second time my husband got a call for a job and I was expected to follow and find my place. I realized I was an afterthought, a blessing on the team, but an afterthought for raising and releasing. I felt the sting of rejection again.
When I volunteered and sacrificed hours that turned into months away from my babies, overseeing an event that gives to the needy in our community, I broke when I was challenged and unsupported, being told I didn’t care about the people we were serving.
When a leader was only friends with me because I was on their team, the frustration was real.
When we spend years pouring ourselves into individuals who get close enough to see our flaws, grow familiar with our weaknesses, and eventually stab us in the back, it’s crippling.
It’s a sacrifice to be a leader. We pray for other people and watch God move on their behalf, then we go home and sit in our struggles wondering where God is for us, His leaders.
If a leader’s marriage isn’t healthy, then I (a female) most likely won’t get leadership development from that male leader.
If a leader’s marriage IS healthy, then I am supposed to be like that leader’s wife and stay at home with my children as she did, therefore I won’t get leadership development from a male leader.
It’s hard to trust the Bible because that primary narrative doesn’t align with my experience. “The Lord qualifies who he calls.” So, how then, if I am willing and available, how then, am I still not stepping through the doors I believe are in front of me? What level of qualification am I personally responsible for before a human recognizes my call?
Trusting the Lord more than trusting man is the heart behind both of my books.
Desiring More, should that be its title when it’s published (?), will lean into the uniqueness of being a woman with a leadership gift on her life, but who is not on staff at a church. I will unpack church cultures, and environments that create opportunities for misunderstanding and other things that happen on the outside, as well as addressing sins no one talks about like jealously and comparison on the inside.
Embrace the Mess, will invite the reader to allow gravity to do its work. To draw them into the deepest darkest pressure-filled places and find the Lord has been waiting there for them. When we are in a place of transition, when the Lord is doing a new thing in our lives, it is often very messy and misunderstood by others. It is only after we embrace the mess that we learn our transformation was necessary to become the individual God was calling us to be all along.
These situations and others like them have become my story. What has happened in your life that causes you to wonder if you can trust the Word? Feel free to share your story in the comments!
My books will share my wrestling with God’s Word and help each reader navigate the wrestling match.
Trusting that the Word of God is true, regardless of how others treat me or release me, is the hardest thing I might ever do. But I will do it. I will trust.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
New International Version
Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions.
With all your heart rely on him to guide you, and he will lead you in every decision you make.
Become intimate with him in whatever you do, and he will lead you wherever you go.
The Passion Translation