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There are a lot of opportunities for pain and confusion in our lives at work, school and at home. Many times I find people struggle to accept that church is also a place of pain. Sometimes we feel like we have nowhere to turn if all of these places are messy at the same time. Think about it— What do we do when the Body of Christ hurts us? How do we stay committed to being a part of a local church when someone in that congregation wounds us?

What is it that keeps people from giving up and what is it that makes it easy for people to quit church life? I’d like to share a story with you and let’s see if we can unfold this topic together.

I was friends with a female leader. I’m not going to share her name that’s not important here. Like me, she was a leader at church and because we were both leaders we were always together. Also I must tell you, she was older than me and I wanted to be like her.

About a week before Easter, she was talking my acoustic guitar player which delayed the start of our worship practice so I asked him to focus. I was too afraid to ask her to leave but by starting our worship practice that is what happened.

Later, she asked me to come see her in her office. I found myself in her office being told to watch my attitude. I can’t remember what she said to start off the conversation but I remember telling her no. I had a team to lead and a practice to run. Knowing my personality and how much of a people pleaser I was, I am guessing this was probably the first time I had ever told her no. Standing up for myself wasn’t strongest quality. I loved (and still love) her. But here we were: two leaders mad at each other. One was a young worship leader coming up in pipeline and one was an established leader.

She said, “I prophesy this will be your downfall.” I don’t remember anything else because my mind went blank after that. It wrecked me.

I honestly don’t remember anything else. I only know someone who’s approval I wanted so badly prophesied my doom. Yes, she said “doom.”

After Palm Sunday we had our Easter rehearsal at an event center and this was a really exciting holiday weekend for us all. While we were there I remember watching our message buffer, singing in the choir, and standing in a side hall sobbing.

While I was in the hall my mom and dad joined me. My mom was furious and wasn’t saying anything. My dad looked at me obviously upset as well and asked, “What is prophesy?” I cried and he pointed his finger in my face and said, “What does the Bible say prophesy does?” I remember my face being hot, closing my eyes to think better, and my mind being blank. I felt so much pressure to know the answer. I had grown up in church and I had no idea what the answer was. I felt like ashamed and was scrambling. I said, “I don’t know.”

Friends, I owned it. I didn’t know the Bible well enough to find healing and security when I got hurt and scared when someone in the church hurt me. I didn’t know God enough to realize he cared about when the church hurts me.

My dad paraphrased 1 Corinthians 14:3 “Prophesy is to edify, exhort, and bring comfort.” Then he asked, “Does what she said do that?” Once he said it, I was able to breathe. I was smart enough to compare the prophetic word, (see also: emotional manipulation) with scripture and recognize they don’t match up. No longer feeling like my life and calling were in jeopardy, I got mad.

Does anyone else get mad when they are hurt?

The truth of that verse was seared into my mind like metal branding the flesh of cattle. I have never forgotten that scripture because of what happened that week. Perhaps, sometimes, this is why God allows pain? So that we will learn how to better treat people and remember His Word.

Sometimes wounding in the church comes from power plays. Sometimes wounds come from relationships changing and sin being exposed. Other times wounds happen because leaders struggle with change or aren’t equipped and resourced well enough to minister to a specific need. Unfortunately, wounds also happen when individuals don’t even know there is an issue.

Have you ever gone to church with a knot in your stomach?

Have you ever wanted to stay home and stay in bed because you just didn’t want to worship eight rows away from the person who has ruined your life (or at least part of it)?

Have you ever wondered “what’s the difference between the person staying in bed and the person who shows up?”

In Ephesians 6 the Bible says “we wrestle not against flesh and blood,” however to be real, we all fight. Leaders fight, volunteers fight, parents fight, friends fight. WE. ALL. FIGHT. So what happens when there is a wound? How do we keep our trust in the Lord from gradually decaying because his Bride stabbed us in the back or punched us in the gut with their words and actions?

Church is raw. I mean, if it’s real church, it’s raw. I am realizing I prefer that imperfections not be too obvious so that when someone new walks through the front doors of our building they want to stay for the service, but while they are visiting I want them to sense a ‘family” kind of feel. I do want new people to feel welcome at church but to be honest, maybe this is too honest, I want church family to feel welcome at church. And I REALLY want leaders, their spouses, and their kids to feel welcome at church.

Sometimes, though, our raw realities keep snagging on something small and pulling like the edge of a blister. It hurts with every step.

Church hurts and it’s confusing because they say “church is a hospital for the wounded.” Yet, there are people attending church (a hospital) and getting wounded (at a hospital)? Consider it the bill, maybe?!

Salvation is free to us because Jesus Christ paid for it. But there is a cost to following Jesus and that is a price he can’t pay for us. It includes being apart of an imperfect community. That is our cost, community is a pain point. 

So how do we do this? How do we stay faithful to the church when it hurts. Here are a few thoughts:

1. We need to come to a place that the end of the day we say “Not my will, but yours be done.” Get on your knees, cry, scream, run a few miles, however you need to express it, but cling to the Lord. Get focused and centered on Christ in the storm. At the end of the day push down your will. (Will = mind, will, emotions)

2. Get help! Don’t go through this alone. Interpersonal relationships are difficult to navigate for everyone. What you are looking for is someone who can give you a balanced perspective on the issue. Do you have friends who disagree with you theologically, culturally and politically? If not, get that kind of friend by being a friend to someone completely different than you.

3. Wrestle to win in three ways: 

   1. Fight for total reconciliation.

   2. Fight for your self. Stand up for yourself, repent and forgive yourself too!

   3. Fight to forgive their mistakes. Give compassion when someone else is wrong and you know it.

4. Set new boundaries. Reconciliation doesn’t mean things have to stay the same, especially since personalities or sinful habits aren’t easily changed. After reconciliation, your health is the most important thing to steward. (Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Physical, etc.)

5. Learn the lessons. Take note of what NOT to do.

But these five things don’t answer the big question: What is the difference between the person who quits on church versus the person who continues to show up? In my mind, it’s one thing. The difference is the person who shows up shows up!

Just show up! Regardless of what pew you sit in and what state you are in do not avoid the church family.

The number one strategy of our real enemy is to ruin our relationship with Christ. This is done BEST by ruining our relationship with Christ’s Bride. Don’t leave/avoid/ignore/resist the visible expression of Christ we have on this earth.

My last point is this…

Get comfortable with confrontation. Something painful will happen again that is a promise that comes with an authentic community.

When confrontation happens look to see where the Lord is moving in your life,  submit to the storm and steward the season because he loves you. Be confident that He is protecting you from something far worse than you may imagine.

Okay, friend,

how are you?

Maybe you’re wondering “after having done all of these things if I still can’t find peace, how do I know if it’s time to look for a new church? OR stay faithful and see what God does?” Find out next week, I’ll share with you what I have learned about when to leave a church. UPDATE: Click here for that blog post. In the meantime, what do you think is the difference between the person who quits church and the person who goes to church or still serves (when they are hurt)? What do you think of this topic altogether?