#Love&War Reasons to Leave A Church
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Following last weeks article “When Church Hurts Me” I wanted to help my friends discover some healthy and unhealthy reasons to leave a church. In this article, I’m also sharing how to leave a church. When something is difficult at church many people struggle to answer this question: “How do I know if I should leave my church or stay and see what God will do in the church or in my life?”
I hope to serve you by sharing some ideas as you navigate God’s will for your life.
To be totally honest, I have gone back and forth being embarrassed about leaving churches. Sometimes I am grateful for the experience of leaving a church and planting a new one, other times I grieve my losses.
Just before fourth grade, my family moved from Idaho to Oregon and I was so sad leaving my best friend. Today, we are still friends and try to keep in touch but our relationship hasn’t been the same. Then in fifth grade we moved back to Idaho and attended a different church for awhile before returning to the church we originally were going to. Since I was a child I can’t answer the “Why?” to all of that. But I learned at a young age leaving a church changes my relationships, how I see myself, and the expectations I have for my life.
In my early 20’s, my parents planted a church in southern Idaho. From there I moved to Portland, Oregon for college and while I was there I still kept my commitment to the local church. After college, I moved back to Idaho and married Trevin, and about two and a half years later we moved from my parents church back to Portland, where we are now both planted and growing.
In total, if you weren’t already counting— haha, I have left a church three times as a child and three times as an adult.
With fear of sounding like an echo I must say there is no perfect church and we all go through seasons of ups and downs. These ups and downs shouldn’t always cause us to start looking for a way out. If we are questioning whether we should leave every time something goes wrong that is an issue of the heart. If we find ourselves thinking negatively that is the worst time to leave a church. We want to transition in the best mental state as possible!
Try to leave when you are the happiest and healthiest version of you, so that you know it’s not just an emotional move. Sometimes people will leave a church after a large or dramatic event, (i.e. divorce, loss in the family, etc.) I recommend getting through that event first and getting help, THEN changing churches. *If you aren’t getting help from your church family during a rough season then go get help!
Unfortunately, I can’t keep this blog post short, it’s too sensitive of a topic. I’ll bullet point some ideas that could be helpful when answering sensitive questions. I hope I can provide you with some language to hold a conversation with your roommate, spouse or pastor.
First and foremost, I never recommend leaving a church just to leave.
I fully recommend leaving a church to join another church the next weekend!
To make sure I’m not sounding legalistic, if you are moving long distance or sickness keeps you at home, then of course don’t feel guilty for not attending church for a week or two when settling in.
To join a church we need to do some homework before leaving a church. Consider evaluating the following: (1) Your spiritual and emotional state. (2) Your finances and relationships. (3) Consider churches within your desired geographical area. (4) Consider churches that are in a network with your church. You may find another church fits well due to similar doctrine, ministry philosophy, and community expectations. (4) Can you discover the reputation of that church you are considering? (5) Visit online and check out their “Statement of Faith” usually you will see what that church says they value and what portions of Scripture they emphasize in their gatherings and culture.
Now you may be thinking, “How do we look for a new church?”
Pray about it for a season, not just once or when you don’t like something.
Google “Christian churches in L.A.” for example, then…
Ask trusted pastors or friends their thoughts about the churches that are being considered.
Watch multiple services online.
Follow their church social media.
Follow and begin to engage with the pastors on social media.
Visit a service in person with a friend, if possible.
If you have children, attend a kids service and learn their safety procedures before planting your children under someone else’s authority and team.
Don’t settle for anything less than what’s on your list of non-negotiables. Aka: What MUST you have at this new church? Here is why: Let’s say your non-negotiables are 1) The Bible is preached, 2) The worship is current and 3) They are welcoming. This will help you not eliminate a great church as an option just because their parking situation is terrible. Does that make sense?
Consider how the reason for leaving your current church could effect your list of non-negotiables. Below are three lists with reasons people leave a church.
These lists are NOT exhaustive, but I hope I can help bring some clarity if you are considering leaving your church and looking for some practical YES or NO guidelines.
Unhealthy (technically: selfish) reasons to leave a church:
-The preaching doesn’t feed me. We are responsible to feed ourselves not our pastor.
-I don’t like the worship songs. The worship isn’t for us, it’s for God. *If you are a musician this could be a different conversation, keep reading. ;)
-People in the church have hurt me. Ask yourself: Can I work towards reconciliation? Can I be friends with someone else in this church?
-I didn’t connect. Ask yourself: How do I define connect? How much effort did I put into connecting?
-They are a cult. Let’s take care to avoid mixing up traditions and convictions with controlling and weird behaviors that are secret or shameful. Usually studying the Bible and conversations with individuals outside the group helps clarify when things get hairy.
-We don’t know the Bible and instead of studying what it says and getting counseling about a situation, we just leave.
-Unmet needs. The church isn’t about us. Yes, receive pastoral care, but evidence of spiritual maturity shows when an individual begins to pour back into the life of the church, instead of continuing to spectate and be a consumer only.
-The last unhealthy reason to list today is: It’s too big. Joining a small group will help with this. Relationships take time.
Healthy but difficult reasons to leave a church:
-The Bible isn’t being preached.
-God isn’t being worshiped, it’s a concert only.
-Depending on your beliefs about Women in Ministry: Women can’t lead.
-Depending on your beliefs about drinking: One can’t be a Christian and drink wine at dinner.
-A toxic ministry environment.
-A family/children’s ministry that isn’t thriving.
-Lack of raising and releasing leaders.
-Moral compromise or a lack of integrity exists among leadership. (Before leaving, ask the Lord if He has called you to be a pillar in that church during a difficult season to bring stability to the sheep as He purifies the leadership team.)
-Unhealthy relationships between us and another person in the church, that require time and distance for healing.
-A church is unable to minister to individuals and families with unique situations.
-If the church isn’t welcoming and doing life with people who are different in lifestyle, race, background, political affiliation, parenting, etc.
Healthy but realistic or exciting reasons to leave a church:
(Note: These could still have a season of grieving.)
-An opportunity has opened up that requires you to move.
-The Lord is moving us for our growth.
-We are joining a church planting team.
-We are starting a church.
-We want to be at the same church as our family.
-We are getting married to someone who attends another church.
-The church isn’t our flavor, meaning they are too conservative or too contemporary, their music isn’t current, etc.
Now, let’s consider this, when you begin to struggle in your local church seek God’s wisdom first.
Perhaps God has brought you there to link arms with those around you and bring change. Yes, it will be messy but not as messy as being outside of the will of God. If He is calling you to find a new church family celebrate the season that you have just had, have a party, leave a thank you note with coffee giftcards or flowers for your pastors, celebrate that you are growing and God has something new coming.
A word of caution in conversations: Be careful using the words “God told me…” Proverbs 11:14 says, “There is safety in a multitude of counselors.” We don’t want to ask a lot of people their opinions, but we do want to weigh balanced perspectives, so mentors, family members, parents, and pastors are all great perspectives to consider. It’s okay that we chose to leave even when we didn’t have an angelic visitation or actual writing on the wall.
Here are five more pieces of advice before leaving a church:
Leave slowly.
Don’t be in a hurry unless it’s due to an emergency. Let’s take our time and allow the conversations to be as healthy as they can be. Let’s get wisdom from our roommates, spouses, our pastors, our friends, parents and mentors. Don’t make this choice alone.
Leave offense free.
If we leave with an offense the offense will follow. The seed will birth resentment and bitterness. Also, if we are leaving because we have problems and we are embarrassed by those problems, our problems will follow us. We should do everything in our power to “live at peace with all men.” (Rom. 12:18) Let’s go to great lengths to: a) avoid gossip, b) keep conversations confidential even if others don’t, c) trust that God is our defense when things hurt. (Loosing friends, missed opportunities, unfair treatment, great misunderstandings, etc.) d) Understand we might be an example for others who are looking to leave. Leave once you have a new church and plant well!
Leave with a plan!
Leaving without a plan can be very dangerous spiritually. Make a plan to join a local church.
Leave with relationships in tact.
As best as we can let’s keep relationships healthy so that if we don’t like our new church or something unexpected comes up, we can go back to our old church and gather with the Body of Christ there until we find direction from God.
Leave with a blessing!
When we don’t have a conversation with our pastors before leaving we rip ourselves off from receiving a blessing. Yes, of course this means lots of emotions and lots of risk in relationships but asking our pastor to bless us and to send an email to the pastor of our new church, letting them know how much you are loved and to welcome you with open arms, asking for opportunities for you to be fruitful and flourish, is such a win for someone who is transplanting in the Kingdom of God. Note: (If you are called to ministry) Every time we move we start over in the ministry because ministry is about relationship not how developed our gift is. An email to your new pastor is a great way to begin building that relationship.
Finally remember this, the Bible says “Those who are planted in the House of the Lord shall flourish.” (Psalm 92:13) Flourishing requires planting. Planting is a commitment. Planting only truly happens through faithfulness in our relationships and serving during ups and downs. It brings routine, rhythm and security. Planting brings flourishing even during difficult seasons.
In chapter eight of my book I share mine and my husbands experience moving to Portland almost eight years ago. Then I share about trusting God’s Word and resting in his Power to lead us and keep us through the journey. As a gift to you (for a short time only) Here is that chapter. Sign up below!
What do you think, how can we stay committed to the local church during difficult seasons?